Lyrics

E-Petition!

 

Please note that the filming of tonight’s gig on smart-phones will be ridiculed by the performer…

 

It has been said, more than once, that I’ve got low aspirations…

But I’ve just never been interested in an early morning scurry for a train whilst carrying a coffee holder

Or being the bloke with a club card on his key ring and a trolley token in his Roy Cropper style wallet

Or the man who wears shorts for 10 months of the year and then dons a wet-suit to have a paddle

Whenever I’m near the coast, I spend time wondering why you’ll always find someone vacuuming in a seaside arcade

Which takes my mind off the perplexing rise of the “half and half” football scarf wearer

I guess, in many ways, I’m just a free spirit… and if anyone happens to be in any doubt, I’ve got the Stonehenge solstice selfies to prove it

 

Don’t stop me I’m on a mission

Gonna start an e-petition!

 

Welcome to the great streaming debate where those who claim “If I like something, I buy it” appear to be drowning out the musicians hoping to air their 0.003 penneth

I don’t know about you, but I’ve given up on eating out these days

It’s not just the expense, I can’t face being told to “enjoy” as my order’s delivered to the table.

I collected a parcel from the sorting office last week and was given the same cringe-worthy command.

He wasn’t to know it was a home dentistry kit, but that’s exactly my point!

To make matters worse, I returned home to find my hurried parking had been photographed and posted on a local busybody’s social media group.

Named, shamed, and hung out to dry!

 

Don’t stop me I’m on a mission

Gonna start an e-petition!

 

Gonna start an e-petition

To stop spam from e-petitions 

 

Share your troubles they say…

But I’m not ready to reveal details of the time I got run over by a smart car whilst ironically sporting a Kylie and Jason top on Wear Your Old Band T-shirt To Work Day.

These are difficult enough times as it is -

I sold a guitar on eBay recently

No feedback from the buyer, but then it was only an acoustic…

 

Don’t stop me I’m on a mission

Gonna start an e-petition

 

Gonna start an e-petition

To stop spam from e-petitions 

 

Double Edged Swords

 

 

A new cure for insomnia that’s more than just a myth

Audio books by former Arsenal striker Alan Smith

The chill out zone, meets nasal monotone

Fashion advice from eBay sellers, I can’t help but doubt

So many items claim “look great with jeans on a night out”

Can’t get to grips, with these style tips

 

I have to wonder if there’ll ever be a time

When bands stop posting, rehearsal clips online

 

You may be rock ‘n’ roll saviours, but they do you no favours

 

The local kids swimming club, pack shopping at a cost

I leave the supermarket with my bread and crisps all squashed

They should be briefed, put tins underneath

 

My zest for the high life, it seems, has ebbed away

As I struggle with a word search on a rainy holiday

Dark feelings lurk, knowing I’m soon back at work

 

Monday morning daydreams as a colleague reminisces –

Detailed descriptions of a Sunday league misses

 

Just when you think things may be going your way

You realize you can’t win

It’s like being offered a slot on ‘Later With Jools’

… As long as you let him join in

 

Boogie-woogie piano chords - double edged swords

 

Can’t help but feel ungrateful, for gestures from the smug

Who take pity on my plight by sending me a cyber-hug

They all should fear - my cyber clip round the ear…

 

People think I’m stubborn and it’s getting out of hand

But they don’t realize I’ve got a mate in a tribute band

Though not condoned, he’s not yet been disowned

 

I’m not always against an idle preconception

So never trust a man who owns the Chubby Brown collection

 

Just when you think things may be going your way

You realize you can’t win

It’s like being offered a slot on ‘Later With Jools’

… As long as you let him join in

 

Boogie-woogie piano chords - double edged swords

Cryptic Self Pity

 

Five to three, Saturday afternoon.

Let me entertain you blares out through the stadium tannoy speakers…

As a Tony Pulis side run out, hell bent on nullifying the opposition, before occasionally securing an undeserved late winner.

About as much fun as a soon to become former friend, who tells you he’s not only going to keep his Movember, but also plans to cultivate a hipster beard…

It can only add to the uneasiness already created…

by him wearing brogues with no socks.

 

Aspiring celebrities take to twitter following the tragic news of the passing of a D-lister

they once spoke to at a party in 2010.

RIP with exclamation marks.

PR condolences, united in false emotion.

Lives touched, shaped and inspired by what was, in truth, an unmemorable conversation.

Time to reassess lifetime goals as a tribute –

All that she wants is another baby,

a commemorative tattoo and a blue tick

 

I’m going home to post cryptic self pity

 

Going for a pint has never been so competitive. Bragging rights secured by the highest percentage and highest price

I’m talking, of course, about the modern day horror…

that is pubs serving drinks in branded glasses.

Smug high fives in the marketing department, while customers complain to bar staff about the use of inferior trademarks on busy nights

I’m still at a loss as to why eating and drinking are now described as cheeky… When I’d stupidly assumed they were basic human needs…

 

Coming up… a tired old band set to announce they’re either branching out or going back to their roots by doing an arboretum tour.

Spotted in the small ads…Graphologist seeks calligrapher – I think the writing’s on the wall.

Voluntary work’s OK for those that can afford it, while recreational cycling appears far to popular these days

I once wrote an open letter on these and other subjects to Channel 4… Sadly, out of habit, I sealed the envelope before posting

 

I’m going home to post cryptic self pity

 

To be avoided… those who combine a kagoul and clip board, psychic meeting attendees who wrongly predict you’d be interested in their evening, and anyone of the opinion that Harry Redknapp should have been made England manager

Teenagers who listen to the likes of Hall & Oats, Phil Collins and Dire Straits with a hint of irony

Teenagers who listen to the likes of Hall & Oats, Phil Collins and Dire Straits without a hint of irony

I’m going home to post cryptic self pity

Online Beer Club 



He says mainstream ales, just bore him

The man who’s got it all, but needs someone to make decisions for him

I know you’ve got the facts, and who am I to doubt it

“Beer tastes better when you know a bit more about it”

Apparently…

 

The choice is never ending

For the connoisseur or the condescending… from the online club!

 

Spring-like hops with a yeasty bite

The recipe for working up an appetite

Although he quite fancied a bag of chips

Opted for artisan kale and ricotta dips

See instagram for proof…

 

Watch my love of life diminish

When I hear of peach aromas and a zingy grapefruit finish… from the online club!

 

A misconstrued complexity

Craving authenticity

An elusive, bitter quality

Not sure if that’s the drinkers or the ales

 

He loves to recall the first time he said

He was off to work on his crafts, in his shed

His palate’s cleansed with his selection

Drinking alone with his vinyl collection

Hipster paradise…

 

Pumpkin gluten-free’s my favourite

It’s not just millennials who savour it… I’ve joined the online club!

 

A misconstrued complexity

Craving authenticity

An elusive, bitter quality

Not sure if that’s the drinkers or the ales!

 

The choice is never ending

For the connoisseur or the condescending… from the online club!

Leopard Print Onesie

Stuck scriptwriters pen the return of an old soap rogue

In a desperate bid to revive interest and boost ratings

It’s FA Cup weekend... When stand in pundits criticise managers

For fielding reserves

Join us tonight at 9, as we take a nostalgic look back to when times were similarly poor

But the music was much better…

Bertrand Russell, Isaac Newton, Pythagoras, Einstein… Joey Barton

 

Inspiring the next generation…

 

Radio callers gloat about listening to the show everyday…

Whilst working from home

And at last, I understand why tradesmen on building sites

Never bother to quite tune them in properly

Yet another long distance lorry driver pulls into a lay-by in tears…

To text in, upon hearing an emotional song

A discussion on crisp pack sell-by dates, interspersed with old kids TV themes

 

Inspiring the next generation…

 

The revival of something not much good in the first place, gathers momentum

While original mods attach mirrors to mobility scooters

I can’t help but worry about whether the mods, skins and rude boys of tomorrow…

Will dress in Andy Murray polo shirts

Singer/songwriters’ collaboration threats

Having reached retrospective points in their careers

Self promotion reminiscent, of wind-chimes in a hurricane

 

Inspiring the next generation…

 

Sport can still unite as I’m sure it will forever

‘Cause when things don’t go your way, it’s nice to boo together

 

Considering it’s the age of the conspiracy theory…

I’m surprised no-one’s questioned how the fella off The Apprentice got the Countdown job

Of course, I’m all for re-cycling, but I just reckon bags for life

Should become cheaper as you get older

The decline of social drinking, replaced by the more affordable

junk food escape route

Deep Pan’s People, Greggs & Co! The Gastric Band are this weeks Top of the Ops

 

Inspiring the next generation…

 

A scuffle breaks out in the record store day queue  

Highlighting the competitive pursuit of vinyl rarities

My time’s often spent trying to get my head round the fact, that

Sam Smith sells more records than TV Smith

I’m at least temporarily buoyed by the imminent arrival…

Of +2 channels… and bird flu

Nom nom, bake off, hit me with your selfie stick, leopard print onesie!

 

Inspiring the next generation…

 

Inspiring the next generation…

Copy Cats

 

They’ve got matching tops, they’re hand in hand

The Ramones are their favourite t-shirt brand

Buy one, get one free in Matalan

Thinking for yourself never went to plan…

High street steady survivor

More Betty than Swervedriver

 

 

I read a Jamie Oliver’s Feastival review

Where ex-Top Gear presenters jumped the queue

To a sign publicising ageing sleaze

But it was Alex James’s aptly named new cheese

Alt-Fest soon, so I’ll hope for gloomy weather

Then we can all be alternative together…

 

 

A ship called Plagiarism, fully booked, and set to sail

Bears no shame whatsoever as copy cats prevail

Ignore the progress blueprint, it’s still under review

I love the way you’re different - Can I be different too?

 

 

Covers gigs in pubs should be banned

If played with the aid of a music stand

I’ll make no apologies for my stern stance

If you can’t learn them in advance

 

 

They like to build new shops round by me

Disregarding architectural history

Ignoring all the empty ones we’ve got

They paved Paradise Balti and put up a parking lot

They promise outlets many towns would kill for

Like the one’s people go to Merry Hill for

(Like everywhere else)

 

 

A ship called Plagiarism, fully booked, and set to sail

Bears no shame whatsoever as copy cats prevail

Ignore the progress blueprint, it’s still under review

I love the way you’re different - Can I be different too?   

Back In The Day

 

I recently came 4th on a reality show - Now it’s time to reveal my plans

I’m getting the band back together - As a special thanks to the fans

We never made any money back then - But what people tend to forget

Is we were young, having fun and no-one explained - The difference between gross and net

 

Tickets go on sale in the morning - We’d really love to see you there

It’s going to be just like the old days – Though without the shoulder pads and hair

On the school run I’ve pondered my life change – More family than front man

I got by as the face of Toilet Duck - Ignoring jibes about careers down the pan

 

Not quite the original line up - Which I know, for some, is a shame

But Terry’s no longer with us, couldn’t handle life without minor fame

Paul and Gaz are back on board, though I’ve heard that Brian’s miffed

But the promise of a payday and the passing of time - Couldn’t heal our old rift

 

Adored by the ladies – Back then it was all on a plate

It’s cruel to say I’m stuck in the 80’s – But they’re times I’d love to re-create

Reminiscing in our tour bus – About travelling in a clapped out van

It used to be lock up your daughters – We joke it’s now more lock up your Nan

 

Name checked by cool new bands – Hope it helps to end the Royalties drought

Seems everyone else is re-forming – It’s only fair that we don’t miss out

Be careful not to pastiche yourselves – I heard our old rivals say

Shame they never took their own advice – Back in the day

 

The press reported gigs as half empty – Though that wasn’t quite the case

Ask any of the handful of diehards – They’ll tell you we rocked the place

Promoters were slightly ambitious – Arenas perhaps too big

I was the only bloke in the venue – Not wearing a mullet wig

 

So now the tour is over – And I’m left to face my fears

I used to dream of a comeback – In what the papers call my wilderness years

Time to face the music - Hope it’s not the end of the line

The new songs were met with indifference – They just need to be given time

 

Need something to swell the coffers – But we’ll have to wait and see

Who’s first to come up with an offer…

 

Perhaps a music channel or talent show panel

My pension plan needs a tour of Japan

New recording sessions or I could take acting lessons

I’m sure I could cope with a panto or soap

Or failing that…

then it’s back to reality.

 

Botox Lunch Break

 

Got a wire wool brush to remove hard skin

And a recipe book called eat yourself thin

There’s no rule to losing weight, it says

So I’m digesting a page each day

 

Got a tip from a Sunday magazine

Rub legs with sunflower margarine

Then place cucumber over eyes

Guaranteed to attract the flies

 

I’m on a mental and physical quest

To reverse the ageing process

 

Sun beds make your skin look old

So every week I get mine sprayed gold

Giving off a glow through the salon door

Here comes Pantone 164

Exfoliating facial scrub

Rejuvenating in the hot tub

Pleasure meets pain, while relaxing

I’m booked in for an intimate waxing

 

On a mental and physical quest

To reverse the ageing process

 

Afternoon’s spent traipsing round stores

Trying to find a coat just like yours

 

Carrot juice sipped on a spa weekend

Cabbage soup diet, lost all my friends

Bottled water, slim-fast shake

Salsa-cise, Botox lunch break  

Now, medical science has invented a cream

To help boost flagging self esteem…

Demand is great, the price even higher

I’m so glad it’s something I don’t require

 

On a mental and physical quest

To reverse the ageing process

Lookalike Bond

Not one to stand out from the crowd, an average man on the street

I have to work long hours, still can’t seem to make ends meet

People have always said I resemble an actor on TV

I don’t quite know how I ended up joining a look-alike agency

 

The work was steady, with the opening of a sports shop and a bar

Hardly an insight into what it must be like to be a star

Until one morning, I awoke to find an unexpected twist

My double was named as the next James Bond, and overnight became ‘A’ list

 

My name’s Bond – They say dead ringer

My name’s Bond

My name’s Bond – You only live twice, Goldfinger

My name’s Bond… James look-alike Bond

 

I forged signatures in Cannes; when I was there to see the sights

Seemed a far cry from switching on some village Christmas lights

Factory hours, now even more a distant memory

Former workmates, I hear, are passing comment jealously

 

My name’s Bond – I’m so well dressed, exuding charm

My Name’s Bond

My name’s Bond – With a wannabe Honor Blackman on my arm

My name’s Bond… James look-alike Bond  

 

I turned on the TV news, left me shaken not stirred

As the (money) penny dropped, my whole world crashed by what I heard

My doppelganger, is not all he’s cracked up to be

I’ll admit… It scared the living daylights out of me!

 

His list of crime seems endless, he’s facing 007 years inside

The press are out to get him, my high life’s on the slide

The public are alleging other serious matters

I think I’ll have to sue – my career’s in tatters!

 

My name’s Bond – The novelty’s wearing thin

My name’s Bond

My name’s Bond – At the mercy of my famous twin

My name’s Bond, James Look-alike Bond

 

I was tempted by the taste of celebrity and wealth –

Fooled into thinking I’d be bettering myself

A small crumb of comfort to ease my loss of earning

Is the hangers on have gone; and I doubt they’ll be returning

Fame based on looks, I won’t be such a fool again

But I felt I needed something to help to ease the pain

I sought medical advice in a bid to ease my woe

My GP said “sit down, Bond” - I said “Dr, NO!”

 

I’m not Bond – Forget the man I used to be

I’m not Bond

I’m not Bond – Must be someone else who looks like me…

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